A LETTER TO BABY...
JULY 9, 2013, 3:37am
I don't know anything about you.
I don't know your name...your gender...I don't even know when you get created or when you will be born.
You're more of an abstract concept than a real baby at this point. But I can tell you a couple things already.
First: you're wanted. Your father and I so desperately want to watch you grow (right now we're really hoping you start growing from nothing any day now).
Second: you're going to change everything. Right now my days are both long and short, and although I can't speak for your father's days, I know that they will be changing just as much as mine. My mornings are spent figuring out what needs to be done for the day, and what can wait for tomorrow. My afternoons are spent debating between working on this or working on that. My evenings are spent waiting for your father to get home, and wondering what tomorrow will be like.
I know that when you arrive, everything will be different. Time will be meaningless in a sense, but completely terrifying in another. I will no longer have a concept of morning, afternoon, and night because your schedule will override these arbitrary social conventions and you'll decide that 4am is a perfectly acceptable time for breakfast (I digress) ..but somehow weeks will blend together and I'll wonder where entire months went. I'm not emotionally prepared to be one of the mothers who says things like "I don't know where the time goes...it's like I blinked and you were a year older."
I plan on taking many, many photos of you.
Third: you'll be loved. Not that there's a void of love in our lives right now, because let me tell you, we certainly love each other and of course we love our little dog, but everyone says that there's a different kind of love on the horizon. And I know for a fact that there's room in our lives for a ton of love that's coming your way.
Whenever you decide to come along.
I have no idea who you are, little baby...like I said, you're a concept. You're a haze of all kinds of unknown things. What will maternity be like? Will I be a good pregnant person? Will I whine and complain and be in a lot of pain and discomfort? Or will I be one of those women who takes well to pregnancy and carries that certain "glow"?
Will you be a little boy to dress in little overalls and shirts with choo-choo trains? A little girl to dress in baby pink tutus? You know I'll do either, because I can't see myself being a green & yellow mom.
I should decide right now if I will be capitalizing the words "mom" and "dad" and "mother" and "father"...but right now those words aren't us, so how should I know whether I'm a mom or a Mom? Or a Mum! Or a mommy...mama... Is that the kind of thing you figure out before or after your little one is born? Before or after they call you one of those names?
Are you a Mom until you get called a Mama?
See...these are the things we'll need to figure out. For now though, I think: mom, dad, mother, father.
Even though I said above that I plan on defying the "time flies" motif, I know that in a way it won't be long before I'm rereading this blog post and wondering how I could have lived without knowing this little baby... In the same way that I wonder how I lived and worked in this house all day without the company of the Weezydog... Was it just quiet?
And that's what I'll say about you!
Was it just quiet before you arrived?
Was it just about me and my needs?
Was life just simple and uncomplicated and generally well-rested?
Yes, yes, and yes.
The life I'm living now will become foreign to me as I get to know our new life together as mom and little-one. That's just so crazy when you think about it! It's a little scary, sure. But it's a good kind of crazy. I hope to remember that the quiet life was boring, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
So, my wee-little-adorable concept of a baby, just know that we'll be thinking of you...and waiting for you to come on your own time.
You'll be worth the wait, I just have a feeling.
(P.S. if you're wondering about the middle-of-the-night timing of this post...well it's because Ryan is away in Toronto on business and when he's gone, I tend to flip my sleep schedule and end up sleeping all day and working all night. I am undoubtedly most productive in the middle of the night.)
(P.P.S. I'm not pregnant. I'll save you a text message.)