Friday, 9 August 2013

tales of fertility...

(a note about this post: I wrote this entry as a draft, 
adding to it for each month of our "trying." I'm not even sure if it was ever
 meant to be published, but here it is. Because...why not?)

JULY 3, 2013
They don't call it a cycle for no reason.

It's not just the cycle between fertile days, ovulation, and waiting...because your emotions act in a very similar way, both month to month and generally. 

In the beginning you say: "we're just starting to try now, but it will probably take about 6 months." But inside you say: "we're going to be that couple that gets pregnant immediately. I just know it."

And that's a really hard thing to go through, because of the people around you. 

(I'm going to stop talking in you's and start talking about me...because really, that's the only side of the story I know.)

I wanted to get pregnant immediately. 

Why? Well, why not? It just seems great to be the couple who starts trying and then bam, yay! Happy things! Celebration!

I never planned on getting asked "are you guys STILL trying?" for most of the next year. But apparently the big lesson when it comes to fertility and family planning is to check your plans at the door. 

Now, here's the other thing...I was stuck between seeing myself getting pregnant immediately OR envisioning myself with serious fertility issues and big fertility bills to pay. 

Why? NO IDEA...but I wrote a little bit about it here if you're actually interested in the answer to that question. 

I'm writing this in month 7 of "trying." And let me tell you, 7 months is an eternity when you're watching the calendar every. single. day. It looked a little something like this:

Excited! Oooh! We're trying! We could possibly have a baby RIGHT AWAY and there would be a little baby at Christmastime! How fun would that be?

People are saying: that's so exciting! 
I'm thinking: I know, right?! We're going to get pregnant right away!!!!

Month 1 never works, right? No one just gets pregnant right away. 

People are saying: are you pregnant?
I'm thinking: seriously...that's annoying because OBVIOUSLY no one gets pregnant in Month 1. 

This is the part where it stops being fun to have people know that you're trying to get pregnant, because people start telling you about their friend who was "trying" for over a year and then as soon as they stopped trying, they got pregnant.

For each one of these months, there's something that makes you think you're pregnant every month. It could be that you've starting eating applesauce again and hey -- that MUST be a craving! It could be that you took a long nap that day so that must be extreme exhaustion.

People are saying: are you guys going to keep trying?
I'm thinking: I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant. Oh wait. NOPE. Seriously? When will this ever happen? And YES, to those people who ask if we're going to keep trying, we haven't resorted to adoption thus far but thank you. 

Still not allowed to throw around the term infertility (because technically that's anything over 1 year), but that's certainly the way it feels. This is the part where you decide to lay low and stop looking at the calendar so often and just "assume" that it didn't work this month. 

This realization makes you angry but leaves you with an unhealthy sense of control that at least means temporarily it will be easier. 

People are saying: don't be stressed out. My Aunt was stressed out from work and then when she took a vacation, she got pregnant immediately.
I'm thinking: Whatever, man.

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